"Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home." (Parekh, 2017)
I always want to be a normal person. I never have a slight of thought that I would suffer depression for months. Honestly, I'm not sure it's a depression or not, because I didn't consult to a real psychologist. But by reading some mental illness research paper, it closely refers to depression. I may be wrong, so please give me some advices.
Some series of events have drown me into thoughts that killed all of my motivations to live. I became suicidal everyday and it really scares me. I also lost interests in music, digital artwork, basically, everything. Some people kept complaining why I couldn't do things better like I did before. Some of them are making fun of it even when I trusted them and brave enough to say that I was suicidal.
I became so sensitive to tones. I don't understand why I kept screaming back when I heard people yelling to me. No sounds came out from my vocal cords but I kept screaming in my mind. Until I couldn't hear what are really happened in reality. Once it got worse, I protect my ears with both of hands and halfed-conciously started to pull my own hairs.
I've got sad and cried for no particular reasons. I spent days and nights by sleeping and eating (only) lunch. My body became weak, but I don't have any motivation to make it fit. I kept asking why I lived. I'm afraid of what happened in after life. Every seconds, I saw what I did wrong in the past and I was so afraid of it. I'm spending time to see rays of sun behind the curtains, and live in a dark world after my eyes shut.
A lot of friends send motivations, but I feel those words are empty. They might be bored to listen to me. I shut myself from outer world. People kept coming when they need me and I was glad to help. But I stopped telling anyone what I felt because it might bore them. Basically I said the same things over and over again because it haunted me... I'm on the edge to end my life and I guess it's the right thing to do to say goodbye.
Until a friend which had suffered depression before, talked to me in such a really pleasant way. She... was so nice and I felt like she is the one who understand me... She was shocked to hear about my condition and didn't expect that would happen to me (because I looked normal', duh). I didn't expect that she would contact me again yet, it happened.
At that time, she gradually help me to turn into my oldself and now I'm back. Music also saves my life for several times... The combination of the positive energy gave me strength to stand and rise again.
I never asked for this mental illness, but I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons from it. :) Oh, and I'm not fully healed yet...
