I can't stand it anymore!

So here I am.

A 22-years old woman tries to live a better life with doing NOTHING.

I keep myself shut in my room. No outdoors, except for buying food.

What kind of life it is? Well, I don't feel alive at all!

Family, boyfriend, and friends are really worried about me. They already tried everything to cheer me up, but I can help except being so resentful all the time!

This thesis. Yes. I'm sick of it!
I don't have any interests to do it AT ALL!

I should take another way around, but there's no way family would accept me do that. Besides, I HATE the classes.

English was my favorite subject for 12 years! And all these 4 years, I feel like gaining NOTHING!
There's absolutely no fun. I've wasted my time!

The atmosphere, the people... I don't have any interest to socialize with most of them. I can't help but whine everyday. Regretting that I took the wrong way.

It's all in the past. But how come I can't forget it?! This is SUCK.

I don't make any progress or improvement at all. I took the wrong option. But hey! I've never been so happy with this WRONG option!

It's just all about family's dignity which burden me all the time. I should not take this major!!! The translation class that I've waited so much turned out to be the my least favorite class.

People. All people I used to know, started to look me down after knowing I took this major. Eventhough my family tried to cheer me up by saying this major is really helpful for my career, but the answer is NOT!

Everytime I go to Job Fair. There's definitely no one wants to hire a FRESHGRADUATED from English Linguistics and Literature! SHAME ON ME!!!

and from now on, I need to do this paper that I don't have any interest in it AT ALL.

I'm sorry I've talked to much. It sounds like I made excuses too much... I wish I could do better under the pressure... I've never thought that I'm going through this way...

Harsh Words.

Pernah ngerasa kalau kata-kata kasar yang orang ucapkan di media sosial ditujukan kepadamu?

Aku pernah.
Semua orang pernah.

Terlepas itu semua hanya prasangka.
Tapi kadang kebenaran sudah terduga di dalam pikiran.

Aku,
Dan segala kelebihanku.
Aku juga manusia.
Aku punya banyak salah.
Aku tidak terlahir untuk menaklukan segalanya.
Walau ingin, walau berusaha.
Manusia punya batas.

Kamu terlahir dengan bakat yang berbeda.
Terus kenapa kamu mau bakatku?
Sedangkan kamu sendiri tak pernah bertanya apa aku mau bakatmu?
Aku mau bakatmu?
Ya, aku mau.

Tapi aku tidak mau membuang apa yang aku punya. Adilkah? Menurutku tidak.
Apa indahnya hidupmu jika kau memiliki segalanya?
Hidupmu tak berarti.
Bosan.
Monoton.

Pada akhirnya kau hanya membanggakan dirimu sendiri.
Bertingkah congkak.

Aku memang terlahir dengan hal yang kau inginkan.
Dan kau terlahir dengan bakat yang aku inginkan.
Namun jika aku harus menukar bakat ku untuk memiliki bakatmu?
Aku tak sudi.

Aku bangga dengan diriku.
Meski cercaan teman, sanak saudara, keluarga menghunjami hati.
Aku masih bangga.

Aku memang iri.
Tapi aku juga tau diri.

Buat seseorang yang disana.
Mungkin kau bertanya-tanya,
"Apakah aku orang yg kau maksud?"

Silahkan menebaknya.
Biarkan menjadi misteri.
Tapi hati selalu tahu.

The Fallen Ace

Iya.

Aku memang selalu melihat langit yang kosong.

Luas.

Biru.

Awan putih berarak.

Semuanya memang hanya milikku,

Damai.

Aku tak pernah mengindahkan hingar bingar di sekelilingku.
Atau
lebih tepatnya, jauh,
di
bawah
sana.

Terlahir menjadi seseorang yang dibanggakan itu, tidak pernah membuatku menyadari bahwa posisi kehidupanku jauh lebih rendah dari orang lain. Maksudku, ya pasti, orangtua kalian membanggakan diri kalian, membesarkan hati kalian dimana kalian satu-satunya permata berharga bagi mereka.

Namun ayolah,
kadang pengakuan orangtuamu sendiri tidak cukup.
Mendengar begitu banyak pujian sejak kecil, membuatku selalu mendongak ke atas.
Dimana hanya ada langit dan awan.
Kosong.
Tapi tidak hampa.
Aku bisa mendengar banyak orang mengelu-elukan namaku dari bawah sana,

Pemandangan itu tidak berlangsung terlalu lama...
12 tahun...
Apakah waktu berjalan begitu cepat? atau begitu lambat?

Bagiku semuanya serasa sempurna.
Waktu tak berjalan terlalu cepat atau terlalu lambat.
Ia mengalir begitu indah, menghanyutkanku dalam berbagai ruang memori palsu yang terkadang ditutupi kebohongan. Indah. Selalu indah.

Aku tak ingin menyalahkan siapapun.
Siapapun apalagi kebenaran.
Ya...

Pemandangan itu bukan milikku lagi.
Langit itu, awan itu...
Bukan milikku lagi.

Sayap-sayap lain menghantarkan pemiliknya melesat melewati aku.
Siapa mereka?
Sejak kapan mereka ada?
Kenapa aku tak pernah melihatnya?

Aku yang tak pernah bertemu dengan mereka.
Mengerti rasa iri dan kagum disaat yang bersamaan.
Aku tak mengerti kenapa rasa ini bisa bercampur aduk?
Bukannya mereka hal yang saling bertolak belakang?

....
Ah
Mereka...

Mereka

Mereka
pun

semakin
jauh...

Langit tidak berwarna biru.
Langit berwarna-warni...

dan sayap-sayap lain terus bermunculan.
Meninggalkan

Aku.

...
Mereka seharusnya selalu ada di bawah...
Mereka...
Sejak kapan mereka menumbuhkan sayap?

Apa semua ini salahku?

Salahku?
Karena tidak melihat ke arah mereka...

Salahku ?
Karena aku selalu mendongak ke arah langit?

Tunggu aku...

Aku
....
Kalian...
Mematahkan sayapku...

My Dearest Prince

Please pardon my grammar as I'm not taking the class seriously.

It has been a long time to know him...
Still I want to know more.
I need to admit, I shocked for some times to see how human changes his/her mind.
However it is the most beautiful things that ever happened to a person.
My boyfriend.

I used to be haunted by the shadow of my ex.
I cried and prayed. Cried and prayed.
Make sure I won't separates my soul from its body before its' time.

The shadow was too strong to be vanished
It appears that for a long time, I've been living in a certain place.
A certain place that trapped me for such a decade (forgive me to exaggerate it)

I know God will never abandon my prayer.
I just need more patience to keep waiting.
Sometime I want to give up and just curl up in my own cemetery.
However something keeps me awake.

I remember how the first time I had a feeling for you.
It was just through the thousands of colorful pixels which represents you.

I remember the first time you stepped into the room,
With your glasses and those I-don't-care attitude.

You.
And with all of those your sarcastic words and actions.
Creates a big gap between you and my ex.

It ruins all the memory that I was hope for fulfill my expectations.
I cry a lot. I don't want a sarcastic person like you.
But with your words you created my strength.
With your actions you created my attitude.

And by all meanings,
I know your flaws, I know those harsh words...
But I just can't letting you go...

No,
Never.

I thought I can.
But I can't.

There's always something...
Something that I felt strange.
That helps me find my way back to you.

I never want to change you.
You are you, and always be you.
No need to change anything.

But through the time we are together.
You change. Better.
I love the way you used to, but I'm loving more the way you are now.

After I know more about you. I just can't let you leave from my life.

Thank you.

Even when there will be a time when we need to separate. (Which I wish there won't)

I will always love you.

Another Self-esteem

I can't sleep yesterday, today also the same.

a dream appeared in afternoon, I can't tell why it keeps bugging me.

for some reasons, the playback still play the same memories.

it won't fade.

and I realize, still it is the best memories I got.

until, it happened.

It should not be happened..

It should not.

It should stay still.

stay the same.

it should not end like this.

it should not.

Grown ups represented in 'The Little Prince'

20 January 2016 21:36

So here I am, after long time vanishing from blogging, I’m coming back.
Forgive my English it’s not perfect. I learned how to use grammar but still it messes up all the time in my head. I would be ashamed if any of my friends will read this post, because, well, um… I’m not a talkative person in front of them, I’d like to keep everything in my head. Because, they’re not interested to something like this. And I don’t really like the response from my family and my boyfriend. So I guess I’ll keep this all by myself, and for all of you readers (like even they read this)

So tonight, just another bad day to be through, kinda need something to boost up my mood so I watched “The Little Prince” which I remembered that my cousin had the book. Well, I’ve read it of course. But only a quarter-page of whole book because I know I’m not really smart, hence for a seven-year-old girl I don’t take any interest to finish the book. I more kind of like into ‘The Fifth’ by Enid Blyton at that time. I can’t read something implicit, I won’t understand it. Pfff---

So I guess this movie needs a harder way to interpret the meanings, so a kids somehow with a little experience they had won’t understand this movie. Just like a seven-years old me who get bored at that time. But I dunno if the kid has intelligent IQ or something, this would be an easy stuff to understand.

And so, after years.. fourteen years later, I found the film adaptation from the book which is amazingly my brain can recall it. It was so amazing! Well, the story is about a girl, which I don’t remember did she mention her name or not. Well, her mom was so obsessed to her life. Her life plan. Then the girl failed the interview test, so they decided to move in to get into the school with an absurd plan B. Pfft--- this girl just have an aviator as her neighbor. He can be said, ‘weird’ but with some stories and drawing about ‘The little Prince’ from the aviator, they become close. I personally like, Mr. Fox, he’s cute and adorable. Well, the problem is her mother didn’t like him, so she try to shut down the girl’s imagination and make her focus to the ‘future’ that lies ahead. It just becomes worse when the aviator got sick and the girl tried to save him by meeting ‘The little prince’ himself. Well, that part is kinda odd and I don’t really get it. But I interpret that as the way her imagination is alive. I think she went to the aviator’s house just to find the papers and some things to fix it. But the way the film showed it, it’s kind of an adventure for her. In the end, she finds the Little Prince that somehow forget all the fun things he had been through, but she needs to meet three important characters just like the story when the prince met them.

The first person that the prince met in his journey was this “Salute’ man. Well, not bad from the grown-ups perspective, but the prince found it weird. Well, actually in “The Walk” movie, I remember, Philippe learned from Papa that ‘Salute’ is an expression of honesty. But this man which appears to be a grown-ups, using salute as a disguise for his own pride. He even can resist when people clapping their hands for him. I think it’s the way that some grown-ups, using salute to hide their real feelings. To look humble in front of others, but they not.

The second person that met little prince is the King. Well, the king, yeah, feels like rules everything but actually not. They actually need some certain orders and requirements to make something happened. So I think he is not a ‘king’ at all. But here’s the fun fact. The grown-ups, usually, feels they are superior than others. They can do everything they want, IF it is fulfill the requirement. Hahaha! So funny! I sometimes think like that when I was younger. They think that just because their groen-ups, they take control, they have their responsibilities to keep their children alive, so in return, we need to ‘obey’ what rules that they make, and pay respect.

And the last person was this an ‘accounting’ businessman? What should I call him? (lol)
well, this person is counting the stars, buy it, and make profit from it. It’s harder than I thought to interpret the meaning behind this. But well, hey I’m trying! Pfft--
well, I guess it’s kinda like that grown-ups try to ‘show’ the reality to the children. They take the ‘dream’ from us by force without asking it first. The way that the businessman turn the stars into some lights and the ‘child’ stuffs into paper clip, means that he even use the ‘dreams’ to make us work harder. It feels like say, “come on, work harder than anything your wishes are, can be granted.”
In fact, NO! there’s nothing such like that. It’s a bullshit. (pardon my language)


and so in the end, this movie has taught me something important. To keep remember. Remember everything, do it to achieve our goals. So in the end, you will smile with no regret in the end of your life. I adore this movie. This is fantastic.

22:11