I want becoming part of something bigger.

This is kind of ridiculous random thinking but surely I find it interesting.
A life full of curiousity, looks better than, a life where you can get what you want instantly.
May some people love to relax and enjoy things to live on.
But how I find this is not the purpose of my life?
I always get excited for something that I really live and need problem-solving.

It's really fun after all.

I want to crack code

Go on some adventures out there...

It should be fun...

Or

It looks fun???

I'm probably just tired.

Because I don't know what to do anymore.

All those ambitions are buried somewhere,

in a place that kept hidden.

And I can't find it anymore.

I just want.....

to be somebody's heroine...

but...

what kind of heroine who even don't understand what she does?

I watched too much fantasy stories...

I forgot that I live in this suck reality.

I just want others recognize and respect me.

I always imagine a life that never happen...

It's kinda sad.

I don't have ability to keep all those dreams come true...

I just want.....

to become part....

of something bigger..

More than this.

I can't stand it anymore!

So here I am.

A 22-years old woman tries to live a better life with doing NOTHING.

I keep myself shut in my room. No outdoors, except for buying food.

What kind of life it is? Well, I don't feel alive at all!

Family, boyfriend, and friends are really worried about me. They already tried everything to cheer me up, but I can help except being so resentful all the time!

This thesis. Yes. I'm sick of it!
I don't have any interests to do it AT ALL!

I should take another way around, but there's no way family would accept me do that. Besides, I HATE the classes.

English was my favorite subject for 12 years! And all these 4 years, I feel like gaining NOTHING!
There's absolutely no fun. I've wasted my time!

The atmosphere, the people... I don't have any interest to socialize with most of them. I can't help but whine everyday. Regretting that I took the wrong way.

It's all in the past. But how come I can't forget it?! This is SUCK.

I don't make any progress or improvement at all. I took the wrong option. But hey! I've never been so happy with this WRONG option!

It's just all about family's dignity which burden me all the time. I should not take this major!!! The translation class that I've waited so much turned out to be the my least favorite class.

People. All people I used to know, started to look me down after knowing I took this major. Eventhough my family tried to cheer me up by saying this major is really helpful for my career, but the answer is NOT!

Everytime I go to Job Fair. There's definitely no one wants to hire a FRESHGRADUATED from English Linguistics and Literature! SHAME ON ME!!!

and from now on, I need to do this paper that I don't have any interest in it AT ALL.

I'm sorry I've talked to much. It sounds like I made excuses too much... I wish I could do better under the pressure... I've never thought that I'm going through this way...

Harsh Words.

Pernah ngerasa kalau kata-kata kasar yang orang ucapkan di media sosial ditujukan kepadamu?

Aku pernah.
Semua orang pernah.

Terlepas itu semua hanya prasangka.
Tapi kadang kebenaran sudah terduga di dalam pikiran.

Aku,
Dan segala kelebihanku.
Aku juga manusia.
Aku punya banyak salah.
Aku tidak terlahir untuk menaklukan segalanya.
Walau ingin, walau berusaha.
Manusia punya batas.

Kamu terlahir dengan bakat yang berbeda.
Terus kenapa kamu mau bakatku?
Sedangkan kamu sendiri tak pernah bertanya apa aku mau bakatmu?
Aku mau bakatmu?
Ya, aku mau.

Tapi aku tidak mau membuang apa yang aku punya. Adilkah? Menurutku tidak.
Apa indahnya hidupmu jika kau memiliki segalanya?
Hidupmu tak berarti.
Bosan.
Monoton.

Pada akhirnya kau hanya membanggakan dirimu sendiri.
Bertingkah congkak.

Aku memang terlahir dengan hal yang kau inginkan.
Dan kau terlahir dengan bakat yang aku inginkan.
Namun jika aku harus menukar bakat ku untuk memiliki bakatmu?
Aku tak sudi.

Aku bangga dengan diriku.
Meski cercaan teman, sanak saudara, keluarga menghunjami hati.
Aku masih bangga.

Aku memang iri.
Tapi aku juga tau diri.

Buat seseorang yang disana.
Mungkin kau bertanya-tanya,
"Apakah aku orang yg kau maksud?"

Silahkan menebaknya.
Biarkan menjadi misteri.
Tapi hati selalu tahu.

The Fallen Ace

Iya.

Aku memang selalu melihat langit yang kosong.

Luas.

Biru.

Awan putih berarak.

Semuanya memang hanya milikku,

Damai.

Aku tak pernah mengindahkan hingar bingar di sekelilingku.
Atau
lebih tepatnya, jauh,
di
bawah
sana.

Terlahir menjadi seseorang yang dibanggakan itu, tidak pernah membuatku menyadari bahwa posisi kehidupanku jauh lebih rendah dari orang lain. Maksudku, ya pasti, orangtua kalian membanggakan diri kalian, membesarkan hati kalian dimana kalian satu-satunya permata berharga bagi mereka.

Namun ayolah,
kadang pengakuan orangtuamu sendiri tidak cukup.
Mendengar begitu banyak pujian sejak kecil, membuatku selalu mendongak ke atas.
Dimana hanya ada langit dan awan.
Kosong.
Tapi tidak hampa.
Aku bisa mendengar banyak orang mengelu-elukan namaku dari bawah sana,

Pemandangan itu tidak berlangsung terlalu lama...
12 tahun...
Apakah waktu berjalan begitu cepat? atau begitu lambat?

Bagiku semuanya serasa sempurna.
Waktu tak berjalan terlalu cepat atau terlalu lambat.
Ia mengalir begitu indah, menghanyutkanku dalam berbagai ruang memori palsu yang terkadang ditutupi kebohongan. Indah. Selalu indah.

Aku tak ingin menyalahkan siapapun.
Siapapun apalagi kebenaran.
Ya...

Pemandangan itu bukan milikku lagi.
Langit itu, awan itu...
Bukan milikku lagi.

Sayap-sayap lain menghantarkan pemiliknya melesat melewati aku.
Siapa mereka?
Sejak kapan mereka ada?
Kenapa aku tak pernah melihatnya?

Aku yang tak pernah bertemu dengan mereka.
Mengerti rasa iri dan kagum disaat yang bersamaan.
Aku tak mengerti kenapa rasa ini bisa bercampur aduk?
Bukannya mereka hal yang saling bertolak belakang?

....
Ah
Mereka...

Mereka

Mereka
pun

semakin
jauh...

Langit tidak berwarna biru.
Langit berwarna-warni...

dan sayap-sayap lain terus bermunculan.
Meninggalkan

Aku.

...
Mereka seharusnya selalu ada di bawah...
Mereka...
Sejak kapan mereka menumbuhkan sayap?

Apa semua ini salahku?

Salahku?
Karena tidak melihat ke arah mereka...

Salahku ?
Karena aku selalu mendongak ke arah langit?

Tunggu aku...

Aku
....
Kalian...
Mematahkan sayapku...

My Dearest Prince

Please pardon my grammar as I'm not taking the class seriously.

It has been a long time to know him...
Still I want to know more.
I need to admit, I shocked for some times to see how human changes his/her mind.
However it is the most beautiful things that ever happened to a person.
My boyfriend.

I used to be haunted by the shadow of my ex.
I cried and prayed. Cried and prayed.
Make sure I won't separates my soul from its body before its' time.

The shadow was too strong to be vanished
It appears that for a long time, I've been living in a certain place.
A certain place that trapped me for such a decade (forgive me to exaggerate it)

I know God will never abandon my prayer.
I just need more patience to keep waiting.
Sometime I want to give up and just curl up in my own cemetery.
However something keeps me awake.

I remember how the first time I had a feeling for you.
It was just through the thousands of colorful pixels which represents you.

I remember the first time you stepped into the room,
With your glasses and those I-don't-care attitude.

You.
And with all of those your sarcastic words and actions.
Creates a big gap between you and my ex.

It ruins all the memory that I was hope for fulfill my expectations.
I cry a lot. I don't want a sarcastic person like you.
But with your words you created my strength.
With your actions you created my attitude.

And by all meanings,
I know your flaws, I know those harsh words...
But I just can't letting you go...

No,
Never.

I thought I can.
But I can't.

There's always something...
Something that I felt strange.
That helps me find my way back to you.

I never want to change you.
You are you, and always be you.
No need to change anything.

But through the time we are together.
You change. Better.
I love the way you used to, but I'm loving more the way you are now.

After I know more about you. I just can't let you leave from my life.

Thank you.

Even when there will be a time when we need to separate. (Which I wish there won't)

I will always love you.