Depression

"Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home." (Parekh, 2017)

I always want to be a normal person. I never have a slight of thought that I would suffer depression for months. Honestly, I'm not sure it's a depression or not, because I didn't consult to a real psychologist. But by reading some mental illness research paper, it closely refers to depression. I may be wrong, so please give me some advices.

Some series of events have drown me into thoughts that killed all of my motivations to live. I became suicidal everyday and it really scares me. I also lost interests in music, digital artwork, basically, everything. Some people kept complaining why I couldn't do things better like I did before. Some of them are making fun of it even when I trusted them and brave enough to say that I was suicidal.

I became so sensitive to tones. I don't understand why I kept screaming back when I heard people yelling to me. No sounds came out from my vocal cords but I kept screaming in my mind. Until I couldn't hear what are really happened in reality. Once it got worse, I protect my ears with both of hands and halfed-conciously started to pull my own hairs.

I've got sad and cried for no particular reasons. I spent days and nights by sleeping and eating (only) lunch. My body became weak, but I don't have any motivation to make it fit. I kept asking why I lived. I'm afraid of what happened in after life. Every seconds, I saw what I did wrong in the past and I was so afraid of it. I'm spending time to see rays of sun behind the curtains, and live in a dark world after my eyes shut.

A lot of friends send motivations, but I feel those words are empty. They might be bored to listen to me. I shut myself from outer world. People kept coming when they need me and I was glad to help. But I stopped telling anyone what I felt because it might bore them. Basically I said the same things over and over again because it haunted me... I'm on the edge to end my life and I guess it's the right thing to do to say goodbye.

Until a friend which had suffered depression before, talked to me in such a really pleasant way. She... was so nice and I felt like she is the one who understand me... She was shocked to hear about my condition and didn't expect that would happen to me (because I looked normal', duh).  I didn't expect that she would contact me again yet, it happened.

At that time, she gradually help me to turn into my oldself and now I'm back. Music also saves my life for several times... The combination of the positive energy gave me strength to stand and rise again.

I never asked for this mental illness, but I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons from it. :) Oh, and I'm not fully healed yet...

I want becoming part of something bigger.

This is kind of ridiculous random thinking but surely I find it interesting.
A life full of curiousity, looks better than, a life where you can get what you want instantly.
May some people love to relax and enjoy things to live on.
But how I find this is not the purpose of my life?
I always get excited for something that I really live and need problem-solving.

It's really fun after all.

I want to crack code

Go on some adventures out there...

It should be fun...

Or

It looks fun???

I'm probably just tired.

Because I don't know what to do anymore.

All those ambitions are buried somewhere,

in a place that kept hidden.

And I can't find it anymore.

I just want.....

to be somebody's heroine...

but...

what kind of heroine who even don't understand what she does?

I watched too much fantasy stories...

I forgot that I live in this suck reality.

I just want others recognize and respect me.

I always imagine a life that never happen...

It's kinda sad.

I don't have ability to keep all those dreams come true...

I just want.....

to become part....

of something bigger..

More than this.

I can't stand it anymore!

So here I am.

A 22-years old woman tries to live a better life with doing NOTHING.

I keep myself shut in my room. No outdoors, except for buying food.

What kind of life it is? Well, I don't feel alive at all!

Family, boyfriend, and friends are really worried about me. They already tried everything to cheer me up, but I can help except being so resentful all the time!

This thesis. Yes. I'm sick of it!
I don't have any interests to do it AT ALL!

I should take another way around, but there's no way family would accept me do that. Besides, I HATE the classes.

English was my favorite subject for 12 years! And all these 4 years, I feel like gaining NOTHING!
There's absolutely no fun. I've wasted my time!

The atmosphere, the people... I don't have any interest to socialize with most of them. I can't help but whine everyday. Regretting that I took the wrong way.

It's all in the past. But how come I can't forget it?! This is SUCK.

I don't make any progress or improvement at all. I took the wrong option. But hey! I've never been so happy with this WRONG option!

It's just all about family's dignity which burden me all the time. I should not take this major!!! The translation class that I've waited so much turned out to be the my least favorite class.

People. All people I used to know, started to look me down after knowing I took this major. Eventhough my family tried to cheer me up by saying this major is really helpful for my career, but the answer is NOT!

Everytime I go to Job Fair. There's definitely no one wants to hire a FRESHGRADUATED from English Linguistics and Literature! SHAME ON ME!!!

and from now on, I need to do this paper that I don't have any interest in it AT ALL.

I'm sorry I've talked to much. It sounds like I made excuses too much... I wish I could do better under the pressure... I've never thought that I'm going through this way...

Harsh Words.

Pernah ngerasa kalau kata-kata kasar yang orang ucapkan di media sosial ditujukan kepadamu?

Aku pernah.
Semua orang pernah.

Terlepas itu semua hanya prasangka.
Tapi kadang kebenaran sudah terduga di dalam pikiran.

Aku,
Dan segala kelebihanku.
Aku juga manusia.
Aku punya banyak salah.
Aku tidak terlahir untuk menaklukan segalanya.
Walau ingin, walau berusaha.
Manusia punya batas.

Kamu terlahir dengan bakat yang berbeda.
Terus kenapa kamu mau bakatku?
Sedangkan kamu sendiri tak pernah bertanya apa aku mau bakatmu?
Aku mau bakatmu?
Ya, aku mau.

Tapi aku tidak mau membuang apa yang aku punya. Adilkah? Menurutku tidak.
Apa indahnya hidupmu jika kau memiliki segalanya?
Hidupmu tak berarti.
Bosan.
Monoton.

Pada akhirnya kau hanya membanggakan dirimu sendiri.
Bertingkah congkak.

Aku memang terlahir dengan hal yang kau inginkan.
Dan kau terlahir dengan bakat yang aku inginkan.
Namun jika aku harus menukar bakat ku untuk memiliki bakatmu?
Aku tak sudi.

Aku bangga dengan diriku.
Meski cercaan teman, sanak saudara, keluarga menghunjami hati.
Aku masih bangga.

Aku memang iri.
Tapi aku juga tau diri.

Buat seseorang yang disana.
Mungkin kau bertanya-tanya,
"Apakah aku orang yg kau maksud?"

Silahkan menebaknya.
Biarkan menjadi misteri.
Tapi hati selalu tahu.

The Fallen Ace

Iya.

Aku memang selalu melihat langit yang kosong.

Luas.

Biru.

Awan putih berarak.

Semuanya memang hanya milikku,

Damai.

Aku tak pernah mengindahkan hingar bingar di sekelilingku.
Atau
lebih tepatnya, jauh,
di
bawah
sana.

Terlahir menjadi seseorang yang dibanggakan itu, tidak pernah membuatku menyadari bahwa posisi kehidupanku jauh lebih rendah dari orang lain. Maksudku, ya pasti, orangtua kalian membanggakan diri kalian, membesarkan hati kalian dimana kalian satu-satunya permata berharga bagi mereka.

Namun ayolah,
kadang pengakuan orangtuamu sendiri tidak cukup.
Mendengar begitu banyak pujian sejak kecil, membuatku selalu mendongak ke atas.
Dimana hanya ada langit dan awan.
Kosong.
Tapi tidak hampa.
Aku bisa mendengar banyak orang mengelu-elukan namaku dari bawah sana,

Pemandangan itu tidak berlangsung terlalu lama...
12 tahun...
Apakah waktu berjalan begitu cepat? atau begitu lambat?

Bagiku semuanya serasa sempurna.
Waktu tak berjalan terlalu cepat atau terlalu lambat.
Ia mengalir begitu indah, menghanyutkanku dalam berbagai ruang memori palsu yang terkadang ditutupi kebohongan. Indah. Selalu indah.

Aku tak ingin menyalahkan siapapun.
Siapapun apalagi kebenaran.
Ya...

Pemandangan itu bukan milikku lagi.
Langit itu, awan itu...
Bukan milikku lagi.

Sayap-sayap lain menghantarkan pemiliknya melesat melewati aku.
Siapa mereka?
Sejak kapan mereka ada?
Kenapa aku tak pernah melihatnya?

Aku yang tak pernah bertemu dengan mereka.
Mengerti rasa iri dan kagum disaat yang bersamaan.
Aku tak mengerti kenapa rasa ini bisa bercampur aduk?
Bukannya mereka hal yang saling bertolak belakang?

....
Ah
Mereka...

Mereka

Mereka
pun

semakin
jauh...

Langit tidak berwarna biru.
Langit berwarna-warni...

dan sayap-sayap lain terus bermunculan.
Meninggalkan

Aku.

...
Mereka seharusnya selalu ada di bawah...
Mereka...
Sejak kapan mereka menumbuhkan sayap?

Apa semua ini salahku?

Salahku?
Karena tidak melihat ke arah mereka...

Salahku ?
Karena aku selalu mendongak ke arah langit?

Tunggu aku...

Aku
....
Kalian...
Mematahkan sayapku...

My Dearest Prince

Please pardon my grammar as I'm not taking the class seriously.

It has been a long time to know him...
Still I want to know more.
I need to admit, I shocked for some times to see how human changes his/her mind.
However it is the most beautiful things that ever happened to a person.
My boyfriend.

I used to be haunted by the shadow of my ex.
I cried and prayed. Cried and prayed.
Make sure I won't separates my soul from its body before its' time.

The shadow was too strong to be vanished
It appears that for a long time, I've been living in a certain place.
A certain place that trapped me for such a decade (forgive me to exaggerate it)

I know God will never abandon my prayer.
I just need more patience to keep waiting.
Sometime I want to give up and just curl up in my own cemetery.
However something keeps me awake.

I remember how the first time I had a feeling for you.
It was just through the thousands of colorful pixels which represents you.

I remember the first time you stepped into the room,
With your glasses and those I-don't-care attitude.

You.
And with all of those your sarcastic words and actions.
Creates a big gap between you and my ex.

It ruins all the memory that I was hope for fulfill my expectations.
I cry a lot. I don't want a sarcastic person like you.
But with your words you created my strength.
With your actions you created my attitude.

And by all meanings,
I know your flaws, I know those harsh words...
But I just can't letting you go...

No,
Never.

I thought I can.
But I can't.

There's always something...
Something that I felt strange.
That helps me find my way back to you.

I never want to change you.
You are you, and always be you.
No need to change anything.

But through the time we are together.
You change. Better.
I love the way you used to, but I'm loving more the way you are now.

After I know more about you. I just can't let you leave from my life.

Thank you.

Even when there will be a time when we need to separate. (Which I wish there won't)

I will always love you.

Another Self-esteem

I can't sleep yesterday, today also the same.

a dream appeared in afternoon, I can't tell why it keeps bugging me.

for some reasons, the playback still play the same memories.

it won't fade.

and I realize, still it is the best memories I got.

until, it happened.

It should not be happened..

It should not.

It should stay still.

stay the same.

it should not end like this.

it should not.

Grown ups represented in 'The Little Prince'

20 January 2016 21:36

So here I am, after long time vanishing from blogging, I’m coming back.
Forgive my English it’s not perfect. I learned how to use grammar but still it messes up all the time in my head. I would be ashamed if any of my friends will read this post, because, well, um… I’m not a talkative person in front of them, I’d like to keep everything in my head. Because, they’re not interested to something like this. And I don’t really like the response from my family and my boyfriend. So I guess I’ll keep this all by myself, and for all of you readers (like even they read this)

So tonight, just another bad day to be through, kinda need something to boost up my mood so I watched “The Little Prince” which I remembered that my cousin had the book. Well, I’ve read it of course. But only a quarter-page of whole book because I know I’m not really smart, hence for a seven-year-old girl I don’t take any interest to finish the book. I more kind of like into ‘The Fifth’ by Enid Blyton at that time. I can’t read something implicit, I won’t understand it. Pfff---

So I guess this movie needs a harder way to interpret the meanings, so a kids somehow with a little experience they had won’t understand this movie. Just like a seven-years old me who get bored at that time. But I dunno if the kid has intelligent IQ or something, this would be an easy stuff to understand.

And so, after years.. fourteen years later, I found the film adaptation from the book which is amazingly my brain can recall it. It was so amazing! Well, the story is about a girl, which I don’t remember did she mention her name or not. Well, her mom was so obsessed to her life. Her life plan. Then the girl failed the interview test, so they decided to move in to get into the school with an absurd plan B. Pfft--- this girl just have an aviator as her neighbor. He can be said, ‘weird’ but with some stories and drawing about ‘The little Prince’ from the aviator, they become close. I personally like, Mr. Fox, he’s cute and adorable. Well, the problem is her mother didn’t like him, so she try to shut down the girl’s imagination and make her focus to the ‘future’ that lies ahead. It just becomes worse when the aviator got sick and the girl tried to save him by meeting ‘The little prince’ himself. Well, that part is kinda odd and I don’t really get it. But I interpret that as the way her imagination is alive. I think she went to the aviator’s house just to find the papers and some things to fix it. But the way the film showed it, it’s kind of an adventure for her. In the end, she finds the Little Prince that somehow forget all the fun things he had been through, but she needs to meet three important characters just like the story when the prince met them.

The first person that the prince met in his journey was this “Salute’ man. Well, not bad from the grown-ups perspective, but the prince found it weird. Well, actually in “The Walk” movie, I remember, Philippe learned from Papa that ‘Salute’ is an expression of honesty. But this man which appears to be a grown-ups, using salute as a disguise for his own pride. He even can resist when people clapping their hands for him. I think it’s the way that some grown-ups, using salute to hide their real feelings. To look humble in front of others, but they not.

The second person that met little prince is the King. Well, the king, yeah, feels like rules everything but actually not. They actually need some certain orders and requirements to make something happened. So I think he is not a ‘king’ at all. But here’s the fun fact. The grown-ups, usually, feels they are superior than others. They can do everything they want, IF it is fulfill the requirement. Hahaha! So funny! I sometimes think like that when I was younger. They think that just because their groen-ups, they take control, they have their responsibilities to keep their children alive, so in return, we need to ‘obey’ what rules that they make, and pay respect.

And the last person was this an ‘accounting’ businessman? What should I call him? (lol)
well, this person is counting the stars, buy it, and make profit from it. It’s harder than I thought to interpret the meaning behind this. But well, hey I’m trying! Pfft--
well, I guess it’s kinda like that grown-ups try to ‘show’ the reality to the children. They take the ‘dream’ from us by force without asking it first. The way that the businessman turn the stars into some lights and the ‘child’ stuffs into paper clip, means that he even use the ‘dreams’ to make us work harder. It feels like say, “come on, work harder than anything your wishes are, can be granted.”
In fact, NO! there’s nothing such like that. It’s a bullshit. (pardon my language)


and so in the end, this movie has taught me something important. To keep remember. Remember everything, do it to achieve our goals. So in the end, you will smile with no regret in the end of your life. I adore this movie. This is fantastic.

22:11

Same Wavelength

Long time no write... I guess writing is one of the best thing that happened in my life. It helps me a lot to undepressed me (just ignore the grammar).

Haaah, I depressed in these days.
One of my friend stop contacts me, after going abroad. She has no idea how much I miss her and need to talk like we used to.

The same wavelength? It just another random title. Well, I heard this once, or I read it, (I forgot)
But they say, that people who likes you actually reflects yourself. I mean, if you are a kind person, then a kind person gonna love you back, and so on.

But there's one thing that disturb my mind. Why people who likes me ussually are not brave enough to say they likes me directly. More often, they tend to use text message rather than directly speaking to me. 3 person supposed to talk to me directly... But... They failed, and in the end... They used text messages.

It's not a problem at all!
Something that disturb me is then I'm also not brave enough to speak directly to the person I like, that I love him? Oh, very well!

Also, the one who tend to like me is kinda people who have this categorization: nerd, badass, gamer, otaku, and so on. I expect too much to myself. I thought I was cool and out standing but in reality , not.

Guess what? I need to not look down on others and see the "same wavelength" in others who likes me, to reflect myself.

that loneliness...

it's definitely my fault... dunno, maybe there's somtin' wrong with me. I don't have a friend that support me. my family seems doesn't like what I'm doing or what my dreams are... they don't understand, I never explain it either. life is just suck... I want to have a group of friends. a people who can share with... have same interest... but in this world... no one seems can be my friend... I'm all alone. I only talk with God in my heart... even I know, God not response me directly... but I need someone who can interact with me... I need a place where I belong. a place that receive me for being who I am...

Perjuangan yang terbayar~

ano ne...... ningkatin mutu 4 matkul sekaligus itu susah... saya pernah mau nyerah gara-gara fisik ga kuat, beban mental punya rival yang bahkan ga ngakuin atashi rival... tapi setelah semua terbayar... rasanya lega... sampe keyboard di PC kejatuhan air yang keluar dari sesuatu yang bisa melihat~ tapi aku puas dengan semua ini... aku puas dengan apa yang aku lakukan bisa terbayar... kebanyakan orang hanya bisa mengguruiku tanpa tahu perjuanganku... aku benci orang seperti itu... tau apa mereka tentang aku? pantaskah kalian berkata tidak adil ketika seseorang yang menurut kalian bodoh menerima nilai di atas kalian? bandingkan saja dengan hal-hal ini... dia belajar ketika kalian sedang asyik bermain game atau hangout di mall dia terjaga menghapal ketika kalian sedang tertidur pulas mental dan batinnya tersiksa ketika kalian sedang asyik2nya menghamburkan uang... bahkan dia harus mengikhlaskan apa yang harusnya bisa ia miliki menjadi milik orang lain...

Today~ :D

Konnichiwa minna-saaan~ yeah, it's christmas, I know it!! have u got ur present already?? well yeah, today I watched a movie, "body languange" it's an old movie I know that for sure... but I'm just like it! It has a good story... even need more some elements in the end but I love it! I like Nina! She had a strong charateristic and I really love person like that... watching dance movie, always make me want to practice, practice more... but well, I can't find my crew here... They are in their holiday too.. and in different cities~ Like me.. Im in my parents' house in Subang... Rey, go to Tasik~ Radit? dunnoo.. maybe still in Lembang or go around with some of his friends~ Dinda? She go to her grandma's house in Cirebon... I can't wait to gather together again in Bandung... I wish everything gonna be okay with them.. ahaha, I just talk with Rey via SMS~ ask him to make uniform for us. He agreed it and ask me to make the design.. wth~ I can't make any good design for sure... hahhahaa~ so exciting today... and it's raining btw.. and full of thunder... well yeah, I'm gotta go to do my task~ see you, readers!

Parallel School part 1/8 : new life beginning

Hari itu sedikit berawan dan berangin. Cuaca di bulan Oktober memang sudah mulai mendingin. Jendela kamarnya yang tidak ditutup membuat angin penasaran untuk mengintip sedikit dan Wuush... sang angin pun ternyata tidak tahan lagi untuk melihat apa yang ada di balik tirai biru muda tersebut.

"dingin..."

bukannya segera bangun, tapi gadis berambut pendek berwarna merah gelap itu kembali menarik selimutnya.

"hape-ku dimana sih? kok alarm-nya gak bunyi-bunyi ya?"

dengan malas ia mengambil handphone-nya yang terletak di atas lemari di samping tempat tidurnya.

"jam setengah lima... terlalu siang untuk bangun..." lalu ia pun menggosok-gosokkan matanya. Setelah mengenakan sandal kamarnya ia berjalan ke arah jendela kamarnya. Pemandangan yang luar biasa pun terlihat. Menara yang berbentuk spiral dan semakin menyempit ke atas dihiasi lampu-lampu cantik berwarna-warni, sangat kontras dengan warna langit di pukul setengah lima pagi.

"Menara itu tetap sama setiap kali aku melihatnya, iya kan Shiro?" gumamnya saat melihat kucing berumur setengah bulan itu menguap dari keranjang bambu tempat tidurnya.

"miuw?" tentu saja sang kucing tidak mengerti apa yang terjadi dengan umurnya baru setengah bulan.

"tidak apa, aku mengerti perasaanmu..." gadis tersebut tersenyum dan kembali menatap menara tersebut.

aku pasti akan mengungkap apa yang terjadi! pasti! ucap gadis itu dalam hati.

***

"Aiko? Seperti biasa kau bangun pagi sekali..." wanita muda berumur 24 tahun tersebut tidak terkejut dengan kemunculan Aiko yang tiba-tiba di pintu ruang makan. Bahasa yang masih terdengar formal. Selalu saja begitu,  ujar Aiko dalam hati.

"tentu saja Tante, aku tidak ingin merepotkan selama aku berada disini." ujar Aiko sambil mengangkat teko yang sudah nyaring-nyaring berbunyi minta di angkat.

"hahaha, kau ini ada-ada saja. Merepotkan apanya? Kau sudah 13 tahun tinggal bersama tante disini..." dia tersenyum dan membuka oven dan segera saja wangi kue yang baru saja matang menyeruak.

"Reika sayang, kaulihat dimana aku meletakkan kunci mobilku?" seorang pemuda memasuki ruang makan dengan terburu-buru.

"Oh, aku juga tidak melihatnya... Maafkan aku sayang, aku masih sibuk dengan kue-kue kering ini... daripada memikirkan kunci itu, tolonglah sebentar cek kamar Akira karena sebentar lagi dia akan..."

perkataan Tante Reika terputus karena segera saja terdengar tangisan bayi yang sudah tidak sabar lagi.

"baiklah, angkat kuenya dan tiriskan di piring hijau itu... bukan yang biru, yang hijau.. hijau..."

tangisan Akira terdengar lagi dan Tante Reika tergopoh-gopoh menuju kamarnya.

"selamat pagi paman Robbert..." Aiko menatap laki-laki berambut orange  itu dengan tatapan kaku.

"ya Aiko... selamat pagi... dan bisakah kau hentikan tatapan yang sama itu padaku?" Robbert mencoba tersenyum ramah pada Aiko.

"maaf, aku sudah terbiasa" Aiko membuang muka dan beralih untuk mengambil sekotak sereal di bufet atas.

"Kalau begitu, coba ubah saja pandangan itu..." Robbert mencoba menawarkan solusi. Dia tidak terlalu kosentrasi pada yang sedang ia kerjakan, sehingga dia menjatuhkan satu kue kering ke lantai dapur yang bersih.

"Aku tidak suka perubahan..."

"Hahh... semua yang ada di dunia ini akan berubah... cepat atau lambat... kau harus belajar untuk menerimanya nak..."

Aiko terdiam sejenak dan menatap semangkuk serealnya. Paman Robbert masih memunguti pecahan kue kering dan berusaha mencari sapu.

"Dimana benda sialan itu berada? Mengapa semua tidak ada di tempatnya?"

tepat begitu Paman Robbert menemukan benda bergagang coklat muda serta ijuk berwarna coklat kekuningan tersebut, Tante Reika datang menggendong Akira di pangkuannya. Aiko segera menghabiskan serealnya dan berdiri.

"Aku berangkat tante, paman... Dah Akira!" ujarnya terburu-buru sambil mengecup pipi Akira.

"Eh? secepat ini? Jangan lupa, bekal makan siang mu, Aiko!" Tante Reika melihat sekeliling agar secepatnya menemukan kotak bekal yang sudah ia siapkan.

"Jangan khawatir tan, aku sudah memasukkannya ke dalam tas" Aiko tersenyum dan menghilang dari balik pintu dapur. Tante Reika hanya bisa menggeleng-gelengkan kepalanya melihat kelakuan anak itu.

"Anak itu... sama sekali tidak berubah..." gumam tante Reika pelan.

"Ia membenci perubahan bukan?" tanya Paman Robbert.
"kata siapa?" tante Reika balik bertanya.

"kataku... dan paman... bufet ketiga dari kanan. Daah! Aku berangkat!" Aiko tiba-tiba muncul kembali di ruang makan dan tidak muncul kembali.

Paman Robbert membuka bufet tersebut dan berkata,

"Ah, kunci mobilku! Kemarin aku meletakkannya disini setelah makan malam."

***

Aiko Aozora (15)

6th Oct

like : cat, challenge, adventure, peace

dislike : change, differents, argue, chocolate

item : light blue crystal

ability : Demonic Water Guardian/ Angelic Wind Guardian/ Demange Ice

words : "I won't let you die here!"

pict source : http://www.varrell.com/wonderful-kitchen-dining-designs/wonderful-kitchen-dining-designs-image-02-orange-gray-deluxe-kitchen-cabinets/ 

http://imagethumbnails.milo.com/012/146/677/trimmed/12146219_30351677_trimmed.jpg

Diary~

hi, my blog readers!!! 
it's nice to meet you in this nice afternoon~


I'm supposed to be in my holiday~
doing some stuff that could make me happy or something like that...


but, truly~ this is a sh*tty week,
even today is christmas' eve, I must doing my tasks from lecturers~
haaahh~


and in 3th Jan 2013, I will do last exams in my college~
.__.
wish me luck, ok!


oh yeah~ daddy said, my hair is not good for me~
he even said I look like a b*tch!
what the h*ll he talked about...


in this christmas eve, I supposed to doing something good...
not talking with bad attitude... but it's harrassing me~ everyone just talk about my hair, my hair and MY HAIR!!!!! annoying!

and, now, what do you think about my hair??? .__.

my photses with wig

 I love doing cosplay things! XD
 it's so fun for me~~
I really really want to become an Idol net~ :O

Modelling world is so difficult in our real world~ And my height just 155cm :" it's so short~ =.=
So I decided to becoming an idol net~ fufufufu :3

My narrative text : Chrysalis and The White Dragon

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young girl, Chrysalis. She lived by herself in a small cottage in the middle of a forest. Her parents were dead because of an accident when they went to the city. Chrysalis was a friendly girl. She loved to make friends with anybody. Because she was alone in the cottage, she loved to make friends with animals too.

One day, Chrysalis found a round-shaped crystal which had a silver color and it looked like a diamond. It was so beautiful and Chrysalis decided to pick it up and brought it home. She wanted to sell it to a vendor in the city.

Although Chrysalis planned to sell it, she loved to keep the crystal, because it was so beautiful. She remembered that her father loved to carve statues. She tried to remember where her father kept his knife. When she found it, she picked up the knife and planned to make a swan–shape from the crystal. Even though she tried with all of her strength, she even couldn’t leave a scratch on the crystal. She didn’t want to give up. But still she couldn’t make what she wanted from the crystal.

Chrysalis was so tired. She fell asleep in her room. Suddenly, a flash light came from the crystal. Chrysalis was shocked and found the crystal cracked. The crystal was cracked into a swan shape. And beside the swan-shape crystal, Chrysalis found a white baby dragon. The white baby dragon had a silver-blue color and a pair of wings in his back. Chrysalis was so afraid. She took her father’s knife and wanted to kill the dragon. But, when the dragon opened his eyes, he looked so cute and said,

“Mama… Mama…”

And the baby dragon tried to come closer to Chrysalis but he couldn’t reach Chrysalis’ position. He fell off again and again. Chrysalis felt pity to the white baby dragon, so she carried the white baby dragon in her arms.

“You are so cute and shiny like a diamond. Your name is Hikaru,” said Chrysalis.

Hikaru yawned and fell asleep in Chrysalis’ hug. Chrysalis was so happy to have a new friend in her quiet cottage. She decided to raise up Hikaru and she made the swan-shape crystal as a pendant of her necklace.

One day, Chrysalis was fishing in river. Hikaru was beside her, played with worm which Chrysalis used for her fishing bait. Suddenly, Chrysalis slipped and fell off. Her head was bleeding. Hikaru came closer to her and looked worried. And he was shocked when saw so much blood in Chrysalis’ head and he started to cry.

“I’m fine Hikaru, this is only a scratch wound. It’s fine.” Chrysalis tried to make Hikaru calmed down.

But Hikaru couldn’t stop crying. He flied and hugged Chrysalis’ head. Without any purpose, Hikaru’s tears ran down on his face and fell to Chrysalis’ wound. Surprisingly, Chrysalis’s wound was healed.

“Oh my god, my wound is healed! Thank you so much, Hikaru…” Chrysalis felt so happy and hugged Hikaru.

They were best friend. They always together wherever, whenever. They felt happy or sad together. Chrysalis loved Hikaru so much and so did Hikaru. Day by day, week by week, month by month, and year by year, Hikaru grew up being an adult dragon. He had a huge body and strong wings. He could spray out fire from his breath. But he never sprayed out his fire to hurt Chrysalis. They protected each other. Unfortunately, because of his huge body, Hikaru couldn’t enter the cottage anymore. So he slept outside and Chrysalis sewed a huge tent and a blanket for Hikaru.

One day, there was thunderstorm. Chrysalis locked herself in the cottage. She was worried about Hikaru, but she was certain that Hikaru all right outside there. Suddenly, Chrysalis heard a crash sound. When she opened her window, she saw a horse carriage fell off to ravine. Quickly, Hikaru flied and catched the horse carriage with his huge hand.

How surprised Chrysalis when she found a man in the horse carriage with so many gold coins inside. Hikaru gave his tears to heal the man. But the man still unconscious. Chrysalis decided to search for some ingredients to make a delicious soup for the man if he woke up. So Hikaru stayed alone to accompany the man.

When the man woke up, Chrysalis still didn’t come back. And of course, the man was shocked when saw a huge dragon next to him. Quickly, he prepared his sword. Hikaru ignored him and back to sleep. The man was so afraid and he decided to slay Hikaru. But Chrysalis was back on time and prevented the man to slay Hikaru.

“Don’t kill him! He is my best friend and the only one!” shouted Chrysalis. The man stopped and stared at Chrysalis.

“Who are you? You are very beautiful… I never met you before.” asked the man.

“Well, my name is Chrysalis. I lived alone in this cottage, of course you never know me here.” answered Chrysalis.

“I am Jason, the prince of Frendesco Kingdom. This forest is included into our Kingdom’s territorial” said Prince Jason.

“Oh, I’m so sorry my majesty...”

“Oh please, just call me Jason… It’s alright”

“Well, Prince Jason, what did a prince do in the middle of forest with so many gold coins in his horse carriage?” asked Chrysalis.

Suddenly Prince Jason’s face turned sad,

“My father… The king of Frendesco Kingdom is sick… And all doctors in Frendesco kingdom can’t heal his illness.”

 “I’m sorry to hear that. Well, how about the gold coins? What is it for?”

“Only Giovand Kingdom’s doctor who can heal my father illness. But they asked for gold coins to pay for it” explained Prince Jason.

“That was so cruel! Oh, I have an idea! I think Hikaru can help you, Prince Jason!” cried Chrysalis happily.

“Hikaru? Who is that? A woman or a man?” asked Prince Jason confusedly.

“A dragon beside you, he is Hikaru…” Chrysalis smiled and stroked Hikaru’s head.

“I remember that you said he is your best friend? So what a dragon can do to help me?” Prince Jason looked very confused.

“Well, how to say this… Hikaru’s tear can heal any wound. So, maybe he can help you to heal the king and you won’t waste your gold coins.” explained Chrysalis to the Prince.

“That’s nice to hear! Come on, let’s go to my castle!” said Prince Jason. So they went to the castle together.

When they arrived in the castle, everyone looked surprised to see Hikaru. They ran and screamed, some knights prepared their arrows and bow. Every one panicked and was ready to slay Hikaru. But Prince Jason quickly shouted,

“Please listen to me, Frendesco people! This White Dragon is our friend! He will save my father!” Everyone were surprised when heard it.

“But how a dragon can save our king, Prince Jason?” asked a farmer.

“Well, my dragon’s tear can heal any wounds.” Chrysalis answered it. People was surprised when saw Chrysalis’ beauty. They’ve never saw a beautiful girl like Chrysalis.

Suddenly a Prime Minister came closer to Prince Jason,

“Prince Jason, please, your dad already in critical condition.” Hikaru dropped his tears and Chrysalis saved Hikaru’s tears in a bottle. Then, Prince Jason accompanied her to his father’s room.

When they arrived, Chrysalis quickly gave the bottle to the king and the king was healed. Everyone in Frendesco people was so happy. They celebrated a party for the king’s health. Chrysalis wanted to go back to her cottage, but Prince Jason told her to stay and propose her to be his wife. Chrysalis was extremely unbelievable with what she heard at that time. But she decided to stay in the castle with Prince Jason because she fell in love with Prince Jason.

As soon as Chrysalis was being a Frendesco Princess, everyone was respect at her. Hikaru helped all Frendesco people too. His tears healed everyone who was wounded. He had a special place to live. It was a cave made by glasses and diamonds. It had a bed and decorations made by sheep’s wools. It kept Hikaru slept well. Frendesco people loved Hikaru so much. They always visited him and gave him delicious food. Everything was going peacefully.

Many years passed, Chrysalis was so busy with her new activities being a Frendesco Princess. She often tired and didn’t have a single time to play with Hikaru anymore. Hikaru was so lonely, he cried every night in a big hole where it was a place for mine digging before. Hikaru became weak, and he was sick. But, Chrysalis still didn’t have time for him. She never visited Hikaru again in Hikaru’s place.

One day, Prince Jason’s father was sick again. Prince Jason panicked and he tried to search Hikaru with Chrysalis. Chrysalis found Hikaru under a big tree. Hikaru was so happy, he showed his spirit and tried to make Chrysalis want to play with him.

“Hikaru, this is not a right time to play. I need you… Please come with me to the castle” Chrysalis panicked about her father-in-law’s condition, so she didn’t watch a big different in Hikaru. Hikaru was so sad, but he didn’t want to make his best friend disappointed. So, they came back to the castle together.

But when Chrysalis told Hikaru to cry, Hikaru just remained silent and stayed in his place. Chrysalis begged him but Hikaru didn’t move even with a single movement. He just closed his eyes. The Prime Minister was so upset and couldn’t hold his patience again. He stabbed Hikaru with a dagger. Hikaru shocked and roar. Chrysalis came closer to Hikaru and tried to calm Hikaru down. But it was too late, Hikaru sprayed out fire from his mouth and Chrysalis’ left hand burned. Prince Jason was angry and told his army to catch Hikaru and put him down in the underground cage. Chrysalis tried to stop Prince Jason but she couldn’t do anything because the Kingdom’s doctor quickly brought her to a medical room.

Every single day, Hikaru spent his time to cry, but unfortunately, there was no tear drops anymore. Chrysalis couldn’t visit Hikaru because Prince Jason told her not to stay close with Hikaru anymore. Chrysalis missed Hikaru so much, so did Hikaru. Chrysalis felt guilty, she missed her days with Hikaru in the cottage. She wanted to go back to the past, when she had so much time to spare with Hikaru.

In one midnight, Chrysalis brave herself went to go the underground cage alone with a long cape which covered her face. Hikaru knew it was Chrysalis. He was so happy and tried to get out from the cage.

“Ssshh… be quiet Hikaru, I’m going to release you and go back with you to our cottage. But please, calm down. I don’t want to wake up the underground cage’s officer.” whispered Chrysalis. Hikaru calmed down and watched Chrysalis opened the gate of his cage.

Chrysalis was successful to open the cage. She climbed up Hikaru’s back and told him to fly away to their lovely and peacefully cottage. Hikaru was weak at that time. But he showed much spirit, because he wanted to live with Chrysalis again.

Unfortunately, when Hikaru flied, one of the Frendesco’s knights saw them and rang the alarm bell. So they were chased by a hundred of knights.

“Oh! My necklace!” Chrysalis dropped her swan-shape pendant. Prince Jason got the necklace in his hand and stared at Chrysalis. He looked hurt, but he was understood with Chrysalis’ condition and let her go.

Chrysalis was so happy. She hugged Hikaru in his neck. Hikaru was happy too but he was too weak for the journey to their cottage. He slowed down and fell to a big lake where it was a place for him to cry before.

Splash!

“What happened to you Hikaru? Please wake up! Oh my god, my wound was healed! What is this? Is it a magic water?” Chrysalis was confused but at last she knew it was Hikaru’s tears for many years.

“I’m so sorry Hikaru… My partner… I’m so cruel… I miss you so much.” Chrysalis hugged Hikaru. Hikaru didn’t open his eyes. When Chrysalis stroked his head, Hikaru opened his head and stared at Chrysalis.

“Mama… I miss you” he said.

“You… You can talk?!” Chrysalis was surprised. Hikaru smiled and closed his eyes again. The last tear drops came out from his eyes and his body turned cold.

“Bye bye, mama…” whispered Hikaru.

“No! No! Please Hikaru, at last we could live together… again… Hikaru, please… Don’t leave me alone! Hikaru! Hikaru!” cried Chrysalis. Hikaru was dead and his body drowned to his tear drops’ lake. Chrysalis was very shocked. She cried and cried. She missed her very best friend ever.

Suddenly, a small boat came closer to Chrysalis. It was Prince Jason alone. He helped Chrysalis to get on the boat and calmed her down. Chrysalis didn’t say anything, so did Prince Jason. They kept silent, and Prince Jason gave Chrysalis’ necklace back. Chrysalis held the necklace with her two hands. She stared at the necklace for several minutes and dropped it to the lake.

Strangely, the lake was shiny! Prince Jason and Chrysalis were surprised. Chrysalis remembered this light. It was the same as the moment when she found Hikaru’s egg cracking. The lake became a very beautiful lake because of the light. Chrysalis smiled and went back to the castle with Prince Jason. She never forgot about Hikaru. She prayed for Hikaru to rest in peace.

In the end, the lake was well-known as a magical lake that could heal any wounds. Chrysalis often visited the lake and told everyone it was her best friend’s tears. Everyone knew the story and respected Chrysalis and the lake. People called it The White Dragon Lake. Every time they passed or stopped in that lake, they remembered about a friendship between human and a dragon.

The End

Poetry to share: MIMPI

                                                                                Friday, 23th January 2009

Bagiku

Hidup dalam kesendirian itu mudah

Hanya kadang sering saja terasa menyakitkan

           Jika bangkit lalu berlari

           Mengejar cahaya di depan mata

           Dan tak penuh kesungguhan jiwa

           Hanya akan mendapat  asap

Tak perlu menghadapi mimpi kosong

Wujudkan segalanya

Kenali dirimu, pahami kekuatannya

           Jangan lepaskan apa yang di dapat

           Genggam terus dan bawa pergi

           Jauh tinggi menuju angkasa

           Ikut berkilau dengan bintang-bintang

Pahami kekuatanmu

Kerahkan seluruh tenagamu

Bangkitkan seluruh memori

Wujudkan apa yang kauinginkan

                                                                                    Fina Kamilah                 

Libra Constellations.. Rasi Bintang Libra..

 Baiklah teman-teman pembacaa blog strangewolf!!
kali ini mau bahas tentang Libra constellations atau biasa kita sebut rasi bintang libra.
Buat yang zodiaknya bukan libra, maaf yaaa~~
Libra duluan dibahas, soalnya zodiak saya sendiri libraa~~
khekhekekekeke~~ 
Enjoy please!!   





Libra

Heiii~ kawan-kawan semua~ Libra itu salah satu rasi bintang zodiak yang dilewati matahari sebagai garis edarnya. Libra sendiri berarti "timbangan"

Yup! kebanyakan sih, orang-orang libra terkenal dengan sikap bijaksananya gitu deh. (tapi kok saya nggak ya )

okeee, lanjut saja jangan dibahas.. 
Diketahui sebenernya bahwa rasi bintang libra ini ternyata adalah rasi bintang yang redup, dan tidak memiliki bintang utama dengan magnitudo pertama...!!! 
(hiks hiks.... Tidaaak!! Hancur karirku sebagai orang libra!! ouuh)

mungkin temen-temen sendiri pada bingung kalee ya, magnitudo tuh apaan?

ya, karena waktu saya terbatas dan saya belum cuci piring, saya akan menjelaskannya dilain waktu saja..

#siapa juga yang peduli~~ *Plaaaaak!*

hehehe, nah, rasi libra berada  di antara  di Virgo sebelah barat dan  di Scorpius sebelah timur.
#yah, biasalah, mereka tetanggaan gitu. kali aja, ada yang bisa dijadiin bahan gosip. hehehehe..
dalam zodiak-zodiak yang suka ada di majalah kayak gitu, orang-orang yang terlahir pada 23 September-22 Oktober ada di bawah lindungan rasi bintang Libra lhoo!!
#kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!




pada tanggal itu, matahari berada melewati garis edar rasi libra pada siang hari lhoo kawan..
makanya, pada tanggal segitu jangan harap liat rasi bintang libra malem2 yaa kawaan~!!!

ada sebuah legenda mengenai rasi bintang Libra sendiri..

alkisah ada seorang dewi yang cuantik banget kawan, jelmaan Astrea, dewi kesucian, putri Jupiter dari Justitia dan terkenal sebagai dewi keadilan!!

Jeng! Jeng JENG!!!

Nahhh, waktu dulu tuh katanya, dewata dan manusia itu hidup bareng-bareng gitu deh.

harmonis bangeeeet~

#enak kali ya, kalo mau apa2 tinggal minta dan triiiiing!!!

namun, gara2 banyak manusia yang melakukan dosa, para dewata langsung Bete n ngacir ke langit!!!

mungkin gak tahan banget liat kelakuan manusia gaje kayak gitu...

#manusia sih!!!!!! salahkan manusiaa!!

(Ehm...
Karena, saya sendiri manusia, jadi gak jadi nuntut ke hakimnya)

Okeeeee~!!

Lanjut ceritanya sodara-sodaraaaa!!!

Astrea ntu akhirnya jadi dewi terakhir yang meninggalkan bumi untuk tinggal di langit di antara bintang-bintang, hiksss~~~ mungkin Astrea betah maen-maen di bumi....

 trus-trus menjadi rasi bintang Virgo, sang Perawan, karena Astrea bersumpah untuk tetap tinggal perawan sebagaimana keinginan ibunya sebelum dipersunting Jupiter. hikssss~~ hikss~~ Janji gak boleh ingkar lhooo.. tiru Astrea ya teman-teman~~~~~

eiit,
tunggu dulu...
Ada juga yg mengatakan kalo rasi bintang Virgo ntu  jelmaan dari Justitia sendiri dan bukan Astrea, coz itu dalam urutan berikutnya  rasi bintang Libra yang merupakan penjelmaan timbangan doang yang dibawa oleh Justitia sebagai dewi keadilan.


naaahh,,,
jadi sebenerny tuh, Libra jelmaan dewi astrea atoo jelmaan timbangannya dewi Justitia yang virgo ituu???

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!

saya juga pusing sodara-sodara,

udah mah jadi ngantuk plus pegel2 ngetik depan kompi aja daritadi, sedangkan cucian bagaimanaaaa ini???!!!!!!!!!

maafkan atas posting gaje inii....
see you in the next post of constellation!!!!
ごめんなさい!!!!!!
Gomenasaaaii~~~!!
Maaaaf!!!