Depression

"Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home." (Parekh, 2017)

I always want to be a normal person. I never have a slight of thought that I would suffer depression for months. Honestly, I'm not sure it's a depression or not, because I didn't consult to a real psychologist. But by reading some mental illness research paper, it closely refers to depression. I may be wrong, so please give me some advices.

Some series of events have drown me into thoughts that killed all of my motivations to live. I became suicidal everyday and it really scares me. I also lost interests in music, digital artwork, basically, everything. Some people kept complaining why I couldn't do things better like I did before. Some of them are making fun of it even when I trusted them and brave enough to say that I was suicidal.

I became so sensitive to tones. I don't understand why I kept screaming back when I heard people yelling to me. No sounds came out from my vocal cords but I kept screaming in my mind. Until I couldn't hear what are really happened in reality. Once it got worse, I protect my ears with both of hands and halfed-conciously started to pull my own hairs.

I've got sad and cried for no particular reasons. I spent days and nights by sleeping and eating (only) lunch. My body became weak, but I don't have any motivation to make it fit. I kept asking why I lived. I'm afraid of what happened in after life. Every seconds, I saw what I did wrong in the past and I was so afraid of it. I'm spending time to see rays of sun behind the curtains, and live in a dark world after my eyes shut.

A lot of friends send motivations, but I feel those words are empty. They might be bored to listen to me. I shut myself from outer world. People kept coming when they need me and I was glad to help. But I stopped telling anyone what I felt because it might bore them. Basically I said the same things over and over again because it haunted me... I'm on the edge to end my life and I guess it's the right thing to do to say goodbye.

Until a friend which had suffered depression before, talked to me in such a really pleasant way. She... was so nice and I felt like she is the one who understand me... She was shocked to hear about my condition and didn't expect that would happen to me (because I looked normal', duh).  I didn't expect that she would contact me again yet, it happened.

At that time, she gradually help me to turn into my oldself and now I'm back. Music also saves my life for several times... The combination of the positive energy gave me strength to stand and rise again.

I never asked for this mental illness, but I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons from it. :) Oh, and I'm not fully healed yet...

I want becoming part of something bigger.

This is kind of ridiculous random thinking but surely I find it interesting.
A life full of curiousity, looks better than, a life where you can get what you want instantly.
May some people love to relax and enjoy things to live on.
But how I find this is not the purpose of my life?
I always get excited for something that I really live and need problem-solving.

It's really fun after all.

I want to crack code

Go on some adventures out there...

It should be fun...

Or

It looks fun???

I'm probably just tired.

Because I don't know what to do anymore.

All those ambitions are buried somewhere,

in a place that kept hidden.

And I can't find it anymore.

I just want.....

to be somebody's heroine...

but...

what kind of heroine who even don't understand what she does?

I watched too much fantasy stories...

I forgot that I live in this suck reality.

I just want others recognize and respect me.

I always imagine a life that never happen...

It's kinda sad.

I don't have ability to keep all those dreams come true...

I just want.....

to become part....

of something bigger..

More than this.

I can't stand it anymore!

So here I am.

A 22-years old woman tries to live a better life with doing NOTHING.

I keep myself shut in my room. No outdoors, except for buying food.

What kind of life it is? Well, I don't feel alive at all!

Family, boyfriend, and friends are really worried about me. They already tried everything to cheer me up, but I can help except being so resentful all the time!

This thesis. Yes. I'm sick of it!
I don't have any interests to do it AT ALL!

I should take another way around, but there's no way family would accept me do that. Besides, I HATE the classes.

English was my favorite subject for 12 years! And all these 4 years, I feel like gaining NOTHING!
There's absolutely no fun. I've wasted my time!

The atmosphere, the people... I don't have any interest to socialize with most of them. I can't help but whine everyday. Regretting that I took the wrong way.

It's all in the past. But how come I can't forget it?! This is SUCK.

I don't make any progress or improvement at all. I took the wrong option. But hey! I've never been so happy with this WRONG option!

It's just all about family's dignity which burden me all the time. I should not take this major!!! The translation class that I've waited so much turned out to be the my least favorite class.

People. All people I used to know, started to look me down after knowing I took this major. Eventhough my family tried to cheer me up by saying this major is really helpful for my career, but the answer is NOT!

Everytime I go to Job Fair. There's definitely no one wants to hire a FRESHGRADUATED from English Linguistics and Literature! SHAME ON ME!!!

and from now on, I need to do this paper that I don't have any interest in it AT ALL.

I'm sorry I've talked to much. It sounds like I made excuses too much... I wish I could do better under the pressure... I've never thought that I'm going through this way...

Harsh Words.

Pernah ngerasa kalau kata-kata kasar yang orang ucapkan di media sosial ditujukan kepadamu?

Aku pernah.
Semua orang pernah.

Terlepas itu semua hanya prasangka.
Tapi kadang kebenaran sudah terduga di dalam pikiran.

Aku,
Dan segala kelebihanku.
Aku juga manusia.
Aku punya banyak salah.
Aku tidak terlahir untuk menaklukan segalanya.
Walau ingin, walau berusaha.
Manusia punya batas.

Kamu terlahir dengan bakat yang berbeda.
Terus kenapa kamu mau bakatku?
Sedangkan kamu sendiri tak pernah bertanya apa aku mau bakatmu?
Aku mau bakatmu?
Ya, aku mau.

Tapi aku tidak mau membuang apa yang aku punya. Adilkah? Menurutku tidak.
Apa indahnya hidupmu jika kau memiliki segalanya?
Hidupmu tak berarti.
Bosan.
Monoton.

Pada akhirnya kau hanya membanggakan dirimu sendiri.
Bertingkah congkak.

Aku memang terlahir dengan hal yang kau inginkan.
Dan kau terlahir dengan bakat yang aku inginkan.
Namun jika aku harus menukar bakat ku untuk memiliki bakatmu?
Aku tak sudi.

Aku bangga dengan diriku.
Meski cercaan teman, sanak saudara, keluarga menghunjami hati.
Aku masih bangga.

Aku memang iri.
Tapi aku juga tau diri.

Buat seseorang yang disana.
Mungkin kau bertanya-tanya,
"Apakah aku orang yg kau maksud?"

Silahkan menebaknya.
Biarkan menjadi misteri.
Tapi hati selalu tahu.

The Fallen Ace

Iya.

Aku memang selalu melihat langit yang kosong.

Luas.

Biru.

Awan putih berarak.

Semuanya memang hanya milikku,

Damai.

Aku tak pernah mengindahkan hingar bingar di sekelilingku.
Atau
lebih tepatnya, jauh,
di
bawah
sana.

Terlahir menjadi seseorang yang dibanggakan itu, tidak pernah membuatku menyadari bahwa posisi kehidupanku jauh lebih rendah dari orang lain. Maksudku, ya pasti, orangtua kalian membanggakan diri kalian, membesarkan hati kalian dimana kalian satu-satunya permata berharga bagi mereka.

Namun ayolah,
kadang pengakuan orangtuamu sendiri tidak cukup.
Mendengar begitu banyak pujian sejak kecil, membuatku selalu mendongak ke atas.
Dimana hanya ada langit dan awan.
Kosong.
Tapi tidak hampa.
Aku bisa mendengar banyak orang mengelu-elukan namaku dari bawah sana,

Pemandangan itu tidak berlangsung terlalu lama...
12 tahun...
Apakah waktu berjalan begitu cepat? atau begitu lambat?

Bagiku semuanya serasa sempurna.
Waktu tak berjalan terlalu cepat atau terlalu lambat.
Ia mengalir begitu indah, menghanyutkanku dalam berbagai ruang memori palsu yang terkadang ditutupi kebohongan. Indah. Selalu indah.

Aku tak ingin menyalahkan siapapun.
Siapapun apalagi kebenaran.
Ya...

Pemandangan itu bukan milikku lagi.
Langit itu, awan itu...
Bukan milikku lagi.

Sayap-sayap lain menghantarkan pemiliknya melesat melewati aku.
Siapa mereka?
Sejak kapan mereka ada?
Kenapa aku tak pernah melihatnya?

Aku yang tak pernah bertemu dengan mereka.
Mengerti rasa iri dan kagum disaat yang bersamaan.
Aku tak mengerti kenapa rasa ini bisa bercampur aduk?
Bukannya mereka hal yang saling bertolak belakang?

....
Ah
Mereka...

Mereka

Mereka
pun

semakin
jauh...

Langit tidak berwarna biru.
Langit berwarna-warni...

dan sayap-sayap lain terus bermunculan.
Meninggalkan

Aku.

...
Mereka seharusnya selalu ada di bawah...
Mereka...
Sejak kapan mereka menumbuhkan sayap?

Apa semua ini salahku?

Salahku?
Karena tidak melihat ke arah mereka...

Salahku ?
Karena aku selalu mendongak ke arah langit?

Tunggu aku...

Aku
....
Kalian...
Mematahkan sayapku...